China Tea'S Pot

Where have all the true friends gone?

2009-10-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

There's only one gift in all the world that can be given by me alone.
That is the gift of my memories, of what I have lived, what I have experienced
what I have loved and learned... - Emilie Barnes

I remember friends, from oh, so many times and places. Their faces, a little blurred from the years of neglect and disconnect. When the present is not so bright, I tend to peer into their darken silhouettes, and try, difficult it maybe, to inject some flesh into those dear faces and make them stand out from the mix of intersecting images.

I am sad tonight, not so much that I failed to bring those faces up from the sea of abandoned memories and failed connections but I did not even try.

A year has passed since my last post

2009-09-28T17:45:00.001-07:00

Days just go by so fast . . .

We are at the last days of September . . . September . . . September? The song I'll see you in September comes to mind. I used to associate this song with my puppy love , "B" during those months after the summer breaks from school. It is simply amazing how first impressions, first "loves" do not really die or go away. I know it's NOT going anywhere because I am happy where I am right now and he is happy where he is right now but somehow I still relish and actually enjoy recalling all the "growing pains" I had as a young girl who had this bigger than life "fairytale romance" (in her mind, that is) with "B".

I did not really know him, nor did he know me at all. And yet, even now, strangely enough, I do feel as if I knew him and him, me. I guess these puppy loves do grow with you and go with you whatever heights (or lows) you find yourself later in life. "B" or again, my bigger than life idea of him, has been with me all those years I was on a trial and error journey with life, and has found a resting place somehere in my heart (or my head?) and there it has stayed all these years.

It's a comfortable place - "his" place (in my heart). I go there and re-live my young and carefree days whenever I get overwhelmed or bored (as the case maybe) with the realities of life.

I saw him again this September. He was with his realities and I with mine. It was good and fun and puppy-like. And maybe we'll meet again September next year -- when summer's gone.

WE MET AGAIN . . . "B" and I

2008-09-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

I knew how he would look like after all these years of not seeing him. I have seen some of last year's photos. I was hoping the bubble of a young infatuation would burst. . . No it did not.

When I saw him and talked to him and danced with him - I was again a young girl of sixteen . . . And it was deja vu.

With the bubble happily flying over head, came the realization that he has his life and I have mine and they are separate and unalterable.

So the bubble lives and stays a bubble . . . a lasting dream of all the good things in a young and carefree world . . . never to be forgotten, always re-lived and re-visited . . . and will never stop being just that --- a beautiful dream.

What matters is we share this dream . . . or so it seems.

Years do age a person . . .

2008-05-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

I found recent photos of my highschool crush while googling his name - "B" - my puppy love. My, he certainly looks older now - he has lost some hair. . . he has gained some pounds . . . and really, he has grown much older than the mental image I kept of him in my heart all these years. Has the bubble of infatuation burst for me? As I stared at that reunion photo of him to try to find the young man I so dreamed of since I was in highschool . . . I again saw the same genteel qualities that I so adoringly saw in him so many moons ago. (I did not know for sure then - but those photos reaasured me that yes, my judgment as a child was not wrong afterall. I still see the same gentleness in his demeanor - he has aged but he is still basically knightly and genteel. If you have been reading my previous posts about him, I actually did not know him well. All I knew was that blown-up idea of the man I thought he would be if only him and I had more than exchanges of glances, one slow dance, one one-on-one conversation (of which he did most of the talking to fill in the silence)and some group activities that we both attended then. And that idea of that man was romanticized and treasured in my young head all these years. Growing up and growing older, those were memories that I went back to all the time when I am sad and beaten with the ways of the world.

I am looking forward to attend this year's town reunion which he has attended last year. Hmmm . . . That's in August . . . One thing is certain now. I will go with my loved one and I am sure he will be with his.

Happy Me

2008-01-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

Poeple at work often ask me why I seem to wake up always happy . . . I guess it's because I do not really make a conscious resolve to be happy. Does that make sense?

I think people who try too much to be happy tend to become unhappy. Hmmm . . . I really am not much of a philosopher or someone who comtemplates too much on life. What I do is just live each day as if it was a new day, a new beginning. I am not much of a believer of living your life as if it were your last. I believe that living life that way invites excess and waste.

I always start the day as a fresh new day . . . of doing things differently --- maybe better, maybe slower, maybe faster, maybe not at all. What's important to me is, the newness of everything . . . and maybe I find happiness in seeing everyday as a new beginning, a fresh start for new things, new experiences, new feelings.

Believe it or not, it was not like that in my younger days. . . But then I had less of the fresh starts because I had lived less in years then . . . Go figure. . .

Hello, stranger . . .

2008-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

You have been reading my blog and I owe you more entries. Thank you for visiting my blog and listening to my older "rantings".

Every new year, I would pause and take stock of where I have been. And the past is always a happy place to go to. There were bumps and potholes, oh, on the so many roads I travelled, but isn't all that a necessary part of life? One has to fall so one would learn to rise. One has to cry for one to value what one has. I do no longer entertain regrets and what if's. I guess I have matured enough. When one is young, one tends to spend time on the what if's. I think i have learned to live in the NOW - this moment. Yes, I do look back but my return only goes as far as the happy places in my past.

So, 2008 I welcome you with open arms and hopefully, you will bring in only happy times.

And to you, my dear stranger, come back and keep me company . . .

Time does fly . . .

2007-10-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

It is the first day of October. Time does fly. And what have I been doing before today?

That is a profound question. Simply asked, I would answer . . . living each day as I lived the day before today. Then I would think that that seems so boring and routinary. Am I not supposed to live a day as if it was my last?

That has not happened yet, as far as I can recall. I think that days are lived to their fullest when one was younger and had a lot to dream about. Now, this thought is not that attractive either. It can mean that there are no more dreams to live for when one is older. . .

Really . . . life is so difficult to live. And I have yet to find the formula for living. What, my dear reader, are your thooughts on this matter. Pray, tell me, so that, I, too, can live.

A Message From The Past?

2007-09-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today I heard about "B". He remembers me afterall! He was looking for the "long-legged girl" that he once knew and accordingly, liked!

I was giggling like a school girl! I could haved seen him again after so many many years of not seeing him . . . if only I attended that social function which I stopped going to for years now.

Will our paths cross one of these days? I am fearful that my bubble will burst. Afterall, he was tall, young and very handsome then . . . and I was a gangly, awkward long-legged girl then . . .
And now?

Hmm. . . time to do those exercises . . . Time to face up to those memories.

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What if?

2007-08-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

There are so many "what if's" in my life. Keeps me awake and alert to life.

The what if that most intrigues me is:

What if I were to meet all those people I left behind (and vice versa) for the first time today, will I develop stronger relationships with them? Or would I not even consider getting to know them in the first place.

Life always offers so many twists and turns. Is the absolute re-turn or going back possible at all?

Betraying the Present

2007-08-19T18:04:00.001-07:00

Now . . . on the matter of "B". He definitely exists in my past and within the safe places in my dreams. When I do go to those private sanctuaries to get a reprieve from the present, am I actually turning my back to the present, and therefore betraying everything that is in my present?

Why do we need to establish sanctuaries deep inside our brains? I am certain that you too have secret places you revisit in your past to reaffirm the person that you are now.

It is incredible how a song you listened to so many times a long long time ago can bring in vivid images of the past which in turn bring the same emotions, the same sentiments, the same feelings and associative thoughts that you felt those times in the past.

I would be driving for instance, and I hear a song from the past amd all of a sudden, I am "emotionally" transported to that period in time! It is amazing and awe-inspiring. Again, am I betraying my present when I take a ride in my past?

Love Letters Straight From the Past

2007-08-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

I will be publishing letters to "B" - my first young love. I must remind you that I grew in a limited and overly-protected world - where old values and awkward social experiences were the daily news.

"B" has always been in my thoughts. And he will always be my first love. No matter that we have now our own worlds. No matter that our paths may not cross again. No matter that I am not sure he remembers me at all, and after all these years.

So, my blog, you will be the repository of this unrequited love. My first love . . .

Dear B.

How old was I, sixteen? going on seventeen? I knew I was young . . . way too young and inexperienced in the world of puppy love. You were so good-looking and tall and intelligent-looking with those thick black-rimmed glasses that were in vouge then. You stood out in a crowd and I was so infatuated with you.

But I was so awkward and stupid and could not contribute to any conversation you started. (laughs) You came into my life too early and I wish that you came into my life instead, ten years after I actually met you. I needed some years to grow a tounge, some flesh in the right places and a little bravado to show my personality. We could have hit off very nicely.

Talk about meeting each other at the wrong time. . .

By the time I learned some social graces, you got into medical school. You got busy working on a career. And I did not see you for a long time. I never stopped dreaming of you, talking to you via my diary - You were in my diary all throughout college along with 25 others who I had crushes on from a distance - a safe distance.

Here I am, many many years after, still dreaming about you and what we could have been together if we met at the right time - - - like at a time when our planets aligned - - - like at a time when I could contribute to the conversations you tried to start.

It this is not true love - then what is it? Why do I still meet you in my dreams as if we were never in two separate worlds? Well, the diary is now the Blog. And you are in it as always.

Will I find you ever again? I do not think so. Too many years, too many people between us, too little time left. I can just talk to you via this blog . . . and in my dreams.

Forever yours,

C.

The Itch to Write

2007-07-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to "write" lately (through a forum for amateur artists). I have always enjoyed that peace and solitude that goes with writing. I really treasure running (and writing) random ideas in my head, seeing the words take shape into a story.

Come to think of it, I simply gave up on certain hobbies to make space for new ones after I came to USA. I used to read a lot back in the Philippines. I had so much time to read a book then. I could read one book in one day, for instance. I used to do a lot of karaoke at home too. I guess, I traded those with, what, computing and napping after long hours at work.

Hmmm, when will I have the time to read a book again?

2007 and Me

2007-01-06T11:32:00.000-08:00

First week of the new year is gone and I have yet to define my resolutions and goals for this year. Flashback to the eve before 2007: It was a good New Year's eve, better than the year before. Family members were more into the celebration. I had my first and only shot of Tequila. No big deal that it was Tequila Patron. I sort of had no after taste of it . . . like I did not taste it all.

Family members had a good time trying the new karaoke microphone. I had a range of scores ranging from "you can do better" to "good job" or something like that. At the stroke of midnight, we had our usual Champagne Toast and made a lot of noise . . . like banging kitchen pots and pans . . . the old, traditional way of welcoming Mr. New Year.

And why, is New Year pictured as masculine? I don't know . . . and I am not complaining at all. Let New Year be a Mr. I don't have any problem with that.

New year's day I found myself focused on cleaning the house . . . the kitchen especially . . . and that was a good start and thanks goodness, did not end there.

I love new years. It gives you the chance to change. I wonder what the world will be like if there was a change of year everyday! Think about that!

Week-end Blues

2006-04-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

Week-ends go too fast. . .

Well what did I expect. Went to bed late because it's Friday night and you did not have to wake up early for work afterall. Then, stayed in bed until the sun was up there because I did not have to go anywhere.

Decided to work on my site, www.shopdrops.com - and posted on a couple of forums I have joined. Tweaked my blogs (there are four of them now) . . . and voila, it's almost four o'clock in the pm. Where did my day go?

Now, I am dreading the arrival of Sunday because that means, the next day is a Monday and therefore I need to join the rest of the working world.

What has my world come to?

First Years

2006-04-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

I can only remember as far back as when I was three years old. And I have only one memory of when I was three. I can still see my little self - a scrawny, chinky-eyed, all legs and arms post-toddler . . .
It was maybe some thirty minutes before bedtime that night . . . I was wearing an over-sized white t-shirt and performing before an enraptured audience. My mother was there, my aunt was there, my maternal grandparents were there. I vaguely remember my siblings being there (I had one older brother and one older sister). I was going through those little dance motions that only three-year-olds can do - - - definitely not a structured dance, but very cute and winning, anyway. I can only think for that three-year old now, not knowing what really was in my little head then. But I am most certain that , I was dancing like Isadora Duncan (or so I thought) because I had such an appreciative and encouraging audience. Even now, I can feel the caring attention and love of everybody in that room. They were all applauding, prompting me for encores. They had only loving words for me - those cute little endearments older people always have for their adorable diminutive pets? I loved it. Being the center of attention, that is.
There was a lot of love from people in my home as I was growing up. Was it enough? Is love ever enough?

Reading vs Computing

2006-03-26T17:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know . . . Reading a book seems to be dying art - at least for me. Computing has taken over. There are so many fun things to do in the cyberworld - chatting, posting and discussing various affairs in forums and message boards, blogging or reading someone else's blog, site building or simply browsing the cybermalls.And yet, there is that peace of the body and the mind that one gets in holding a book in one hand, as one lounges in a favorite chair or bed. When you read, you are totally on your own as the letters, words and sentences in the book transport you to a totally separate world. You are the hidden observer and a partaker at the same time. You feel with the story's protagonists and yet you are distant in time and space - so easily done by closing the book and moving on to your own life.

Shall I say I miss reading a book? Yes I do . . . but computing is addicting and cannot be put 0ff for another hour . . . So here I am again, filling the spaces in a blog.

My Muse Is Slipping Out

2006-03-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

Mid Summer Dream

A face haunts me in my dreams

A love that came to me many summers ago

I was young then - young in the ways of the heart

It was unspoken - never kindled - never met

There was something there, I suspected

I still do

And after so many wonderful summers

that face still visits me every night

as if we were still getting to know each other

Acting like all young couples do

Happy in togetherness

Making promises

Meeting in secret places

but only in my dreams

CRASH

2006-02-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

People usually cling to their heritage (their ethnicity, traditions, culture, religion) in the face of oh so many challenges that they have to conquer when isolated from their cocoon - when expelled from their habitats . . .

And yet others use that same heritage as a crutch, and other times as an excuse . . .

What is my religion?

2006-02-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

I am from the old school and really, I have stopped questioning whether there is a God (others may call HIM by another name) or not. The question of a GOD's presence is no longer moot and academic for me. It was, but that was a long time ago and mostly in HIS defense. I have FAITH and CONVICTION that there is a GOD - a Master Planner. My heart tells me that MAN IS NO ACCIDENT. Man was planned. I would be so without a purpose if there was no GOD. The absence of GOD will make my very own existence meaningless. I am not religious - meaning, I am not that disciplined as to go to church every Sunday . . . No, I don't . My religion is trying to practice KINDNESS whenever I could. I am not always kind, YET .In time, I would like to be kinder, more often than not. I believe that while the physical body turns to dust, the voice (soul, to some) within goes back to his CREATOR for further directions. My thoughts . . . maybe not yours.

Lazy bones

2005-10-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

Life can be some lazy bones . . .

After working more than 8 hours a day, giving your 110% can't one deserve some lazy bones? I get sooo tired - physically, mentally, emotionally. . . that at the end of the day, I just want to be a pile of lazy bones. . .

That's why this blog has been a pile of dust and the home of webs . . .

Small Business Chat

2005-01-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever considered putting up a webstore and earning maybe not tons of money but just a little extra for yourself and a lot of self-satisfaction from having done it yourself instead?

I have a little online shop. I call it shopdrops! It is my little home on the web. I am shopdrops.com's shopkeeper. shopdrops.com is a little shop that you may end up loving to visit! And it is just a click away! It has all the fun features - a boutique for your shopping needs, a message/forum where you can meet and network with your peers, a chatroom where you can hang out with your friends, a link room where you can advertise your store, my journal where you can leave your comments/thoughts about your life and a lot, lot more! I have even arranged a shop shuttle, a company car and a shop ride for you!

I had fun building my little shop. I am still having fun adding perks to it everyday! Think about it. Do your own little shop today. Maybe we can do business together!

First Tea Drops

2005-01-23T21:57:00.000-08:00

I am from a far-away land . . . raised in old-fashioned ways, grew up in values that no longer are valued by some. Everyday, I face many battles and most of them I do not win. There are the battles that challenge change. There are the battles that pull me in opposite directions - do I favor ME or YOU or THEM?

The battles I face are not those between good and evil. Nor are these contests between right and wrong. No, nothing as complex as that. It is more of deciding how to live, where to live, who to live with and sometimes, why live? These are simple enough questions. Why are the answers I get seem too complicated or just too big to comprehend, at least by my small brain.

Here's one question waiting for an answer from you.

Does one act in order to please? Or does one do as a matter of living?