China Tea'S Pot

I knew how he would look like after all these years of not seeing him. I have seen some of last year's photos. I was hoping the bubble of a young infatuation would burst. . . No it did not.

When I saw him and talked to him and danced with him - I was again a young girl of sixteen . . . And it was deja vu.

With the bubble happily flying over head, came the realization that he has his life and I have mine and they are separate and unalterable.

So the bubble lives and stays a bubble . . . a lasting dream of all the good things in a young and carefree world . . . never to be forgotten, always re-lived and re-visited . . . and will never stop being just that --- a beautiful dream.

What matters is we share this dream . . . or so it seems.

I found recent photos of my highschool crush while googling his name - "B" - my puppy love. My, he certainly looks older now - he has lost some hair. . . he has gained some pounds . . . and really, he has grown much older than the mental image I kept of him in my heart all these years. Has the bubble of infatuation burst for me? As I stared at that reunion photo of him to try to find the young man I so dreamed of since I was in highschool . . . I again saw the same genteel qualities that I so adoringly saw in him so many moons ago. (I did not know for sure then - but those photos reaasured me that yes, my judgment as a child was not wrong afterall. I still see the same gentleness in his demeanor - he has aged but he is still basically knightly and genteel. If you have been reading my previous posts about him, I actually did not know him well. All I knew was that blown-up idea of the man I thought he would be if only him and I had more than exchanges of glances, one slow dance, one one-on-one conversation (of which he did most of the talking to fill in the silence)and some group activities that we both attended then. And that idea of that man was romanticized and treasured in my young head all these years. Growing up and growing older, those were memories that I went back to all the time when I am sad and beaten with the ways of the world.

I am looking forward to attend this year's town reunion which he has attended last year. Hmmm . . . That's in August . . . One thing is certain now. I will go with my loved one and I am sure he will be with his.

Labels: Puppy Love

Poeple at work often ask me why I seem to wake up always happy . . . I guess it's because I do not really make a conscious resolve to be happy. Does that make sense?

I think people who try too much to be happy tend to become unhappy. Hmmm . . . I really am not much of a philosopher or someone who comtemplates too much on life. What I do is just live each day as if it was a new day, a new beginning. I am not much of a believer of living your life as if it were your last. I believe that living life that way invites excess and waste.

I always start the day as a fresh new day . . . of doing things differently --- maybe better, maybe slower, maybe faster, maybe not at all. What's important to me is, the newness of everything . . . and maybe I find happiness in seeing everyday as a new beginning, a fresh start for new things, new experiences, new feelings.

Believe it or not, it was not like that in my younger days. . . But then I had less of the fresh starts because I had lived less in years then . . . Go figure. . .

It is the first day of October. Time does fly. And what have I been doing before today?

That is a profound question. Simply asked, I would answer . . . living each day as I lived the day before today. Then I would think that that seems so boring and routinary. Am I not supposed to live a day as if it was my last?

That has not happened yet, as far as I can recall. I think that days are lived to their fullest when one was younger and had a lot to dream about. Now, this thought is not that attractive either. It can mean that there are no more dreams to live for when one is older. . .

Really . . . life is so difficult to live. And I have yet to find the formula for living. What, my dear reader, are your thooughts on this matter. Pray, tell me, so that, I, too, can live.

Today I heard about "B". He remembers me afterall! He was looking for the "long-legged girl" that he once knew and accordingly, liked!

I was giggling like a school girl! I could haved seen him again after so many many years of not seeing him . . . if only I attended that social function which I stopped going to for years now.

Will our paths cross one of these days? I am fearful that my bubble will burst. Afterall, he was tall, young and very handsome then . . . and I was a gangly, awkward long-legged girl then . . .
And now?

Hmm. . . time to do those exercises . . . Time to face up to those memories.

Labels: All About "B"

There are so many "what if's" in my life. Keeps me awake and alert to life.

The what if that most intrigues me is:

What if I were to meet all those people I left behind (and vice versa) for the first time today, will I develop stronger relationships with them? Or would I not even consider getting to know them in the first place.

Life always offers so many twists and turns. Is the absolute re-turn or going back possible at all?